Message of the day: Forward!

Kept in the original formatting, only the names are changed to protect those involved......

Sir,


In refference to the earlier conversation with Mr x and Mr y,
for going forward in that direction,please kindly guide me how should i go forward
for the future association between the two firms on set of consent.Hope you got
the forwarded information about us from Mr x


Warm Regards
z

Thinking outside the Box

OK, creating and implementing a suggestion box to my mind requires several key components to make it work.

Firstly, and most importantly, one needs a box.

Now I'm not saying any old box, it needs to be a box of a reasonable dimension and scale that anyone who wishes to post a suggestion will be able to identify said box and post their comments within.

Secondly, the box needs to be clearly marked "Suggestion Box" or with indications of a similar effect.

Thirdly, it will need to be sited in an easily identified location, somewhere which encourages use, yet still offering an element of privacy to the potential suggestee.

Finally, one must clearly communicate to ones Target Audience what the suggestion box represents, how it is is best utilised, and where of course it is to be found.

Four simple rules, one effective suggestion box, right?

Not in our company, oh no.

It has taken one of my staff 6 weeks of discussion groups, ideation sessions, design consultancy, fabricator evaluation, communal group approval, review, further approval, sign-off, construction, product evaluation, further "future leaders of the organisation" meetings, and still we have no box.

Not only that but when asked about the time he has been dedicating to this project eating into his core work hours, he looks at me as if I am some kind of idiot.

"Can you not see the importance of this box, Sir? Is it not obvious to your western eyes how the minutae has to be perfected?"

I have asked him numerous times to bring the project to a close, to resign responsibility and hand it to someone in our Creative Team (Christ, this is a full service advertising group which services major accounts such as Colgate, someone surely has more creative juice than my account exec??)

Even when the discussions are predominantly in Hindi to disguise the topic from me, the handy fact that Hinglish borrows the word "Box" happens to be a bit of a giveaway.

But does Boxcar Willy pick-up on this? No, of course not.

He denies he has been speaking about it.

His denial stretches as far as him fabricating a story about helping a friend with some logo design and printing of vinyls which uncannily happen to be of a similar colour scheme and dimension to the much fabled box.

No. No. No.

Do you take me for an idiot?

So to cover for your box-making endeavour (which however misplaced your efforts may be, still has some legitimate work connotation), you will go to the extremes of creating a cover story which puts you even deeper in the shit?!?!

Why?

To make matters worse, after giving a hangover fuelled Ramseyesque bollocking, he decides to have another meeting only hours later, meaning he has to leave our office and travel the few kilometres to our parent agencies office in order to sort out something which obviously could not possibly be achieved over the phone.

To be fair he did have the sense to suggest he would go during his lunch hour as to miss more work time directly after his bollocking would he had calculated be tantamount to signing his own death warrant,

Surprisingly though, what he didn't think was unacceptable was that upon his return 1hr 45 mins later it would be OK to sit downstairs and take his lunch.

When I asked him directly if he was "taking the piss" he appeared amazed at my audacity to disturb his dining.

How? Why? What?

Is this normal or am I just mad?

Anyway, the old suggestion box should be delivered any week soon.

It seems the idea of a rocket ship has been abandoned in favour of a plain blue cube. It does look the part from what I briefly saw, but lets wait to see whether all these meetings come up trumps withn points 2, 3 and 4.

Somehow, I doubt it.

Sex and the City metro system

It amazes me that not only small concerns, but large advertising corporations fail to do the basics such as answer their switchboard number, or even when it is answered have someone formally trained in the art of answering the phone with more than an abrupt “Hello?”.

This afternoon I was trying to source information about restrictions upon alcohol “surrogate” advertising on the DMRC (Delhi Metro) and failed with my attempts to get a call answer by either Big Street, or TDI, two of the main media contractors on the network.

At least my man at Times of India was available on his mobile, even if his take was the polar opposite form that provided to me earlier by a contact at Big Street.

He was quite clear (in Indian terms) that the contacts were awarded on the basis that certain categories of lewd or unhealthy products would be banned.

He believed alcohol and paan fell into this category, though thought condom brands might be OK, just so as long as they didn’t show the product or any images of people.

God it’s a different world!

I mean condom ads? Banned?

FFS, this is the country that gave the world the Karma Sutra.

Just look at the stats India..... you are breeding like freaking rabbits, yaah?

Someone somewhere is having unprotected sex as we speak. Your AIDS rate is rising rapidly and there are already 2.5 million of your citizens infected, yet still you would rather pretend that shagging isn't going on.
Are you stupid?

Actually, that was a rhetorical question.

I was interested to read an article in today’s Mumbai Mirror which served as a timely reminder as to how much of a pigs ear was made of the Wembley stadium construction, and how steps needed to be taken to ensure a repeat scenario did not occur with the construction of the Olympic Stadium.

In one of the Mumbai suburbs a “skywalk” is being constructed to allow pedestrians safe and easy passage to their destinations without running the gauntlet of the choked streets below.

Unfortunately the project hit a hitch when they discovered conduit pipes had been laid in the path of the foundations.

Now, this may have proved a difficult hurdle to overcome in London or other Western cities, but the local Indian contractor swiftly overcame the problem by contracting out the work to a separate agency, instructing them to build over the pipes at will whilst recompensing for any damage or indeed insults to the gods through the sacrificial slaughter of a goat.

Not only did they slaughter it, but they it there on the street. Very thoughtful indeed as probably quite a few people in the area would have been leaving home with the intention of buying mutton as a non-veg dinner treat fro the family.

Now if I am not mistaken, Multiplex, the company responsible for the timely delivery of the Wembley project were fined a serious amount of £’s for it's late completion.

Compare and contrast with the still unfinished Bandra-Worli Sea Link which though running over a year behind schedule will probably in the current market climate require no more compensation than a 3 goat, 8 chicken, and a partially atrophied water buffalo.

Now I’m no construction engineer, but when it comes to fines for tardiness, then “that’s the way to do it” as Mr Punch is oft quoted as saying.

IPL

Loving the IPL, loving it.

There have been so many nail biting finishes over the past week or so it's unreal.

My loyalties lie with the Chennai Super Kings.

Any franchise with the audacity to name itself after a cheap British cigarette gets my vote.

I was slight disappointed that the Mumbai were named "Indians" (like really? How did you come up with that one? A bit like playing the 'Milan Italians' or "Munich Germans" in the Champions League" huh?) so bland they don't deserve their fanbase.

Surely a more imaginative would have been the Mumbai B&H Menthols.

The Mohali based team have gone for the use of Roman numerals in their name "Punjab Kings XI". It seems to be doing alright but what a difference "Punjab King Edward XI" would have made, a classy cigar based alternative wlould have pulled in teh aspirational classes.

The Rajasthan Royals? Uh hello, anyone home?

You live in a freaking desert you muppets, it's screaming "Camel" at you.

Calcutta, or Kolkata as they like to spell it now could have been the "Calcutta Capstan Non-Filters"

The "Delhi Dunhills" is a no brainer.

I wouldn't meddle with the Bangalore team as to be fair they are named after a cheap brand of whiskey, and the Deccan Chargers could simply tie up with Duracell for simplicity's sake.

Outside of the grand show it has undoubtedly been, it is also somewhat annoying to have aTV commercial break every other ball or so it seems.

There are so many sponsors involved. DLF sponsor the IPL itself, each team has a main sponsor and several secondary sponsors, some company or other bring you the Man of the match, and hell they even have companies sponsoring 4's, 6's, and wickets when they fall.

It must be squeaky bum time in the marketing department when a ball is weakly skied towards the boundary.

Will it carry all the way to be a Hyundai 6?
Will it fall short for an Airtel 4?
No wait, there's a man in the outfield and they are popping the champagne in the Havells box.

Oooh, he's dropped it.

This complete and uttter balls up was brought to you by Cardiff City FC, "Bigger than Barca"

Getting a straight answer

Since moving to my new office in early April, my Mac hasn’t been connected to the printer.

I was in the UK for a few weeks so suggested the IT boy fix it whilst I was absent.

Naturally that didn’t happen.

I pulled him up yesterday and this time demanded something was done about it as it was starting to impede me.

“Have you fixed it?” I enquired

Head – Wiggle.

"Is the printer connection fixed? Can I print out? Does it work?"

Wiggle.

"Is that a yes or a no?"

Wiggle.

"Thats not clear. Answer my question and speak"

Wiggle and smile.

"Am I able to print from my Mac?"

"Yes Sir"

.....1 min later

"You said the connection was working it isn't. Are you stupid?"

Wiggle.

Fear not ye Malthusian prophets of doom

In the mid 1970’s India was plunged into a regressive period of centralised authoritarian rule and corrupt government when Indhira Ghandi, having been accused of electoral malpractice, imposed her continued rule on the nation.

It is recalled as a dark time in the history of the nation, a time when questionable policies were forced through and opposition was quashed through brute force.

By the mid 80’s this episode had apparently tailed to a settled conclusion, yet I have my doubts.

If this repression had finished, how come in that case that 70’s influenced soft rock and 80’s pop music remain the sounds of choice in every “pub” in India?

Surely it’s not coincidence that by the second summer of love the influx of western hits appears to dry up.
I challenge anyone to pick out a song post 1990. They just don’t exist.

Its as if they have all the “Now that’s what I call music!” Allbums up to about Now! 12 and play them on loop.

How else can the DJ’s justify the perennial popularity of Bryan Adams, Peter Cetera and Richard Marx?

Granted I do get to hear Floyds “Wish you were here” which as drunken sing-alongs go presses all the right buttons, but this is in no way compensation for having to put my ears through the repeated torment of tracks such as “Tarzan Boy” or Rick Astley’s “Never gonna give you up”.

In fact the Stock-Aitken-Waterman production axis has never been more popular than in current day India.
Mel & Kim, Dead or Alive, late-era Bananarama, and early work Big Fun. They all swing the dance floors of the coolest bars in India together with the stock tunes of Wham!, Spandau Ballet, The Cutting Crew, The Pet Shop Boys, Deacon Blue, and Jonny Hates Jazz.

I believe there is something comfortingly in the simplicity of the music which appeals to the taste of the Indian male.
It is almost impossible for a homegrown Indian to be what we in the west would consider to be cool.

They love camp movies, they hone their dance moves in line with the latest bollywood hit (over emphasised incredibly gay-looking and usually executed with a hint of chest hair showing beneath the jewellery), they hold hands with other men and would happily be seen grooving and singing along to the Communards “Small town boy”.

Yep, this camp love of the high tempo electro-pop says only one thing to people outside of India.

G.A.Y.

1.2 Billion people and increasing?

Don’t worry you Malthusian pessimists, I think I’ve discovered a natural solution to the population explosion, and they are dancing merrily to the hits of Erasure.