Bollywood

Why? How?

Someone please explain to me what it is that makes an industry structured around the core tenets of poor acting and embarrassingly cheesy choreography so popular?

No, in fact don’t bother, here comes my own Kangaroo court on the matter.

You honour the case for the prosecution……

Exhibit A:
Funding.
Until quite recently, Indian banks were forbidden to lend money to finance movie productions. From a monetary viewpoint the industry is exceptionally lightly regulated and this has historically allowed for funding to be received from questionable sources. Even during this millenium the Central Bureau of Investigation, India's national police agency, seized all prints of the film Chori Chori Chupke Chupke after the movie was seen to be funded by members of the Mumbai underworld.

Mumbai gangsters have produced films, patronized stars, and used muscle to get their way in cinematic deals.

In January of 2000, Mumbai mafia hitmen shot at Rakesh Roshan, film director and father of top star Hrithik Roshan. Roshan Snr had stood up to underworld involvement in the distribution of his films and of course the “Goondas” and moneymen didn’t like that.

To go clean you go abroad. Anil Ambani’s Reliance Big Entertainment recently announced a $825-million deal with Spielbergs LA-based production house “Dreamworks” to make six films a year for global audiences.

I fancy the chances of them being almost watchable.

Exhibit B
Piracy
Bollywood has a huge piracy problem. Then again, this is a country where respect for another persons property is often revealed to be an alien concept.

Even though a film seen may seen by over 500 million people, it could still quite easily return a loss. If everyone paid to see the film legally the industry would consistently make serious profits, but that’s not going to happen as any entrepreneurial pirate would quote simply slip a few rupees in the direction of the offended authority and a blind eye would inevitably be turned.

Corruption is once again the cancer eating away at this society.

There is little incentive to invest in better quality productions when your returns remain unprotected by a pathetically inept legal system.

Exhibit C
Masala

Bollywood films are nearly all musicals. Few movies are made without at least one song-and-dance number and boy do Indian audiences expect full value for their money.

Movies which follow this predictable formula are known as “masala movies”, after the spice mixture masala.

If it doesn’t have an overly melodramatic love interest, a charicature of evil, slapstick comedy and OTT thrills all thrown in to a spicy mélange of song and dance routines, then it ain’t gonna cut the mustard with the locals in small town Andhra Pradesh.

Like the Indian taste for masala, these movies have must everything heavily accentuated.

They frequently employ formulaic ingredients such as star-crossed lovers, corrupt politicians, twins separated at birth, conniving villains, angry parents, courtesans with hearts of gold, dramatic reversals of fortune, and convenient coincidences.

Exhibit D
Talent

In Bollywood, people often become superstars just by having a pretty face or a powerful lineage.

Bollywood is home to a series of dynastic families who hold court with producers, funders and fans alike. The Bachchans, The Khans, the Dutts and the Kapoors may provide funders with a better chance of a positive return, but their prodigy usually offer no guarantee of a talent in the thespian or dance spheres.

It is par for the course for movies to feature stars with so little rhythm that it makes pre-ecstacy honkies look like they had soul. Idolised lead actors who are often entering, if not already comfortably entrenched in middle age, gyrate and step to camp choreography whilst inevitably being styled like George Michael circa “faith”.

Dance routines which try and add some "pop" influence to traditional styles usually result in the execution of "drunk uncle at wedding" moves except the leads are supported by a huge cast of hoe-down extras mimicking their every step.

The change the light bulb, the cross-the-heart, the thriller zombie, the wiggly hands. These are all popular moves which I have tagged for my own reference. All equally naff in their own camp way, all equally common.

What disturbs me is that the locals truly think this looks good.


And as for the acting? Just think “Summer Holiday” starring Cliff Richard with less double decker buses.

Bad, bad, bad.


Summary for the prosecution:

I feel no more evidence is required than a quick scan of the following 1* IMDB review for “Fight Club”:

Not the much lauded US adaptation of the Chuck Palnuik novel, but the attempted Bollywood lift of that original idea.

“My God such a film. Copy the title FIGHT CLUB and half the script and add Bollywood nonsense and a film is ready. The film starts off interestingly but then you are thrown into some good fight scenes in the fight club and then to romance, comedy, and music as the boredom sets in”

Thankfully a younger generation of urban Indians, quite probably influenced by travel abroad, are waking up to the realisation that their film industry churns out utter crap.

They are now searching for movies which reflect real life and don't involve dance troupes choreographed before a backdrop of a waterfall or a Swiss meadow.

There is hope, oh yes, but just don’t expect change to happen too soon.